Faith & Love

The truth is nothing is a surprise. It’s stuff I know is true but I never wanted to see. How can you stay blind when what your trying to ignore keeps hitting you over the head with a mirror, so to speak.

I’ve been lying to myself so long. I’ve been telling myself that I’m important to him. Deep down he sees all the little things and appreciates them. I convinced myself, one day he would see my loyalty and live in all the things I do.

The truth is he doesn’t and he won’t. He looks at my acts of love as manipulation, trying to get something from him. He thinks, I lean on him but doesn’t give value to all I do.

I know he told me in the past he resented the things I did for him. I chose to believe that was just his fear of how he was hurt in the past. I chose to believe if I kept doing he would see real love.

He couldn’t be there for me when I was hurting. That I could forgive, it’s not the first time he hurt me or the worst pain he’s caused. I understand he has issues, he’s been hurt in the past. He’s been used.

He betrayed my trust. So eager to avoid my hurt and emotions he opened a can of worms. Not one he has to deal with, but I do.

My secret he shared, to rid himself of the responsibility of me. It convinced them all their worry and concern was true. It convinced them that he was taking advantage of me and I’m too weak and naive to know.

So I guess after weeks of hearing how much I do for him and how selfish he is, I begin to doubt. I can’t say it’s not true. It’s there in black and white, he senty pain. He showed them h ok with he couldn’t show me loves but passed me off. He outlined to them all the issues they see.

Now I’m getting quotes from maid services, laundry Sevices etc… Being used to prove how much he takes advantage.

He said he could have someone replace me cheap. No those aren’t the words he used. It was musings about possible employment but the rage boiled in me. I wanted to scream “don’t you know how much I’m worth!?”

My eyes filled with tears as he talked about how I failed him. But honestly that’s not what I was thinking about, I was adding up the cost of doing for him. I was wondering if he saw any of it or just expected all of it.

I never cared before. I was willing to do all this, knowing he had no clue.

But it’s like everything is being highlighted. I am so tired of defending him, defending myself.

I’m not naive, I’m not stupid. But maybe they are right. Maybe I’ve been incredibly naive, incredibly stupid. Maybe they are right.

He betrayed me. I can no longer share my feelings. They are saying everything I didn’t want to hear, everything I hadn’t let them. Everything I’ve denied for years.

Maybe it’s true. I mean nothing to him, I’ll only be kept around as long as I’m useful. Maybe they are right, I know it that’s why I kept it to myself.

I’m confused because this didn’t bother me before. I’ve always understood who he was and who I needed to be for him. It wasn’t done with an expectation.

But now all I hear is “why do you let him walk all over you?”, “He will always put himself first and not care who he has to walk over to get what he wants!”, “Can’t you see how he is using you?”, “If you turn yourself into a doormat you will get walked all over”, “he’s never cared about you, except what you can do for him”, “when things get hard he is never there for you.”. ….

I didn’t want to hear these voices. I wanted faith that love was a good enough reason. Now I’m confused.

Love shouldn’t be about what I’m getting in return…. But are they right am I really getting nothing in return but hurt, one way rules? Should it matter? Isn’t love supposed to be selfless….

Then I hear his voice “I put yourself first”

…. The evidence is so strong but that’s not what loves supposed to be abou…..

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