I always love God. He’s been with me most of my life. I know like any good parent God tells me “no” and allows stuff to happen with my best interest in mind. I know God works all things for good (Romans 28:8) and God’s timing is perfect (Ecclesiastes 3:11 & Deuteronomy 31:6). My favorite verse that gives me the most comfort is Psalms 27:19 “Wait and confidently expect the Lord”.
In my mind I know that God is in control and will defeat evil, will conquer flesh and reigns supreme. There are times my faith is so great, so strong. My love for God is like a new relationship, you know at the beginning when you can think of nothing the new love and they make you smile at the thought and you crave their time. Yes, at times my relationship with God is all butterflies and flowers. I can hear the whole world sing love songs to Him. The flowers and trees, the river and lake, the way the puppy cuddles close and a friend calls me up… I know it’s all God and He is wonderful. I yearn to be close to God, commune with Him, sing His praise, talk to Him constantly.
But then there are times, even though I know who God is and what He offers, I can’t convince my heart to get excited. I pull away from God. My time with Him isn’t deep. I know it’s not Him, I’ve thrown up the wall. My heart is like a teenager rebelling against unfair parents.
Right now that is where I am. I don’t understand what God is doing in my life. I don’t get it. I thought I was serving God by serving the elderly. I loved what I did and although the pay was pathetic, I felt good at the end of the day. But I got hurt and everytime I think I’m getting better, the pain comes rushing back. Now they say I might never get better. I cry to God, “Unfair, I was serving you!” God says ” Wait, that was just training, I have something better planned!” And I scream, in my immature heart “No, God! Now, tell me my plan, give me my purpose NOW!”
I am completely broke and feel like I’m a plague on those around me; sucking up time, energy and money. I’m always in pain and I feel like wherever I turn is another road block. My account is overdrawn, I owe money to everyone, and the light duty I was given was too hard. My heart screams “Unfair!” God asks have I let you go hungry, have I not provided shelter?”. And I growl saying I’ve not gone hungry or been without a home. Still I cry but “I want!!” And inside, I’m stomping and screaming throwing myself to my bed and crying at the injustice of it all.
I say “God how can I witness to my dear friend who is turning his back on You, when I keep getting knocked down.” God says, leave him to me, my timing is perfect. But I cry back, “sooooo unfair.”
I say trust God and He will provide and the judge decides against me. Why God, I trusted you, I believed that you would come through! God says “keep trusting, My timing is perfect.” And I screAm “No, now!” But God replies “my timing is not your timing, My timing is perfect.” I slam my metaphorical heart door and cry bitterly because my prayer isn’t answered the way I want it to be!
I try and use my mustard seed size faith and trust God, He will heal but every night I wake crying in pain. My heart screams “unfair”.
Trust God, He is in control as the man I love turns from me and from God. My heart screams “Why God?”, God tells me there’s free will, He won’t force faith. I say “God if you love me….” Trying to barter God’s love for what I want, like and insolent child, whose been told no.
My heart is immature and juvenile and acting like a rebellious teenager. Still I hear God, trust me, I work it for the best.
I do believe His timing is perfect and like Job came to understand we can’t begin to know the ways of God. I know God is LORD and Savior. I know God is love. I know the world lies and is corrupted. I don’t doubt God’s love for me. I know in my heart His will is perfect. I search for God in my pain and greifl, try to tell myself His timing is perfect but I am left feeling distant. My heart is throwing a fit and althougy mind knows better, my heart is song ” No one loves me, everyone hates me I’m going out and eating worms!”
Though right now for today I feel today God, like a pouty teenager whose been denied use of the car to go to the cool people’s party. I want to slam my bedroom door and scream “NO FAIR” at my Heavely Father! I want to cry and yell if you really loved me, you would heal me, made the judge side with me, give me my happily ever after NOW!
But just as the teenager knows the unending love of her parents, even knows deep down they are right… I know God is my healer, my Savior, my Heavely Father, wants what is best for me and everything works for good in His perfect timing.
I also know He will forgive me for the fit I’m throwing in my heart. I know He is always waiting for me and when I am ready, God will be there waiting.
Until then I will spend time in the Word. Listen to sermons and emerse my mind in God’s love until I can convince my heart to open the door and let God reign again. The relationship with God is a journey. Today is not a good day on my path but God will always be there tomorrow.
“Concerning this we have much to say, and it is hard to explain, since you have become dull and sluggish in [your spiritual] hearing and disinclined to listen. For though by this time you ought to be teachers [because of the time you have had to learn these truths], you actually need someone to teach you again the elementary principles of God’s word [from the beginning], and you have come to be continually in need of milk, not solid food. For everyone who lives on milk is [doctrinally inexperienced and] unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a spiritual infant. But solid food is for the [spiritually] mature, whose senses are trained by practice to distinguish between what is morally good and what is evil.”
“Brothers and sisters, do not be children [immature, childlike] in your thinking; be infants in [matters of] evil [completely innocent and inexperienced], but in your minds be mature [adults].”
1 CORINTHIANS 14:20