5 Year Plan

IMG_0632We make plans and God laughs. I was asked what my five year plan was today. I thought I don’t even truly know what will happen by tonight.

Acts 5:38-39
[38] So in the present case, I say to you, stay away from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or action is of men, it will be overthrown; [39] but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them; or else you may even be found fighting against God.”
From as early as I can remember I had a plan to pastor a church. I planned on studying the Bible and living my life in service of God.

When I was 12, I had a great plan for my life. I was working towards the plan. When I was 13 my pastor let me know woman pastors were sinners, copies usurping the will of God, a woman lead was a false profit because she is out of the will of God.

(There is scripture to back this in most kcases. I don’t think it’s true in all cases. Corrie Ten Boom was an amazing woman definitely a leader and practicing in the will of God. Deborah from Judges lead men to Victor, she was a great ruler and had God’s blessing on her. Mother Teresa acted in the will of God and lead her own mission. (I’m way off topic))

I had to re-access my dreams, my life plan. I had to re-think my relationship with God. I struggled for years with what God really wants and what I want and does God love me if He doesn’t want me to lead. I doubted God’s love. I doubted my relationship with God. I felt rejected by God because I was a women.

Confused and hurt I threw away that plan.

When I was a senior in high school I was duel in-rolled in a V-Tech LPN nursing program. I also got engaged. My 5yr program was excellent. I was going to finish the LPN program and become a nurse in a year. Then I would get married and move to the states where my fiancé lived. I would get a job as an LPN and work on an RN after work.

In 5 yrs I would have two kids and be an RN. I was so sure of this being a great plan I signed a pre-nump promising I would take nothing from the marriage if I left. This was my forever plan, nursing and my fiancé.

Great plan, right?

Well I quit LPN school 2months before graduation. Went to live with my husband, got a job at Spencer’s Gifts. That store that sells wacky inappropriate knick-nack.. man it was a fun job, I quickly became assistant manager.

I was talking about entering the manager training program and getting my own store. So gave up the nursing part but I was going to get married, have kids and be the best mother ever!

I got married and realized my husband took the commandments of wives serve your husband, husbands be master of the house, a little more extreme then I did.

Right before our wedding he quit my job for me. Wrote an appalling letter of how the all the people were awful and sinners and I couldn’t work in a place like that. Signed my name. He tapped are phones, would remove the starter from my car so I could go anywhere. We did not have cash in the house and I did not have access to the bank accounts. He was he was engaged in a sexual relationship with my made of honor and checked me for evidence of an affair whenever I left the house. He would spend the night at work but had cameras and alarms on the doors to watch my behavior, I was expected to stay home and cook and clean.

He hardly ever got upset or raised his voice. He would slap me or take a gun out and start playing with it if I got out of control. Just be there to serve him. In answer to any issue he would spin these great stories with just enough truth to confuse the issue and convince he was pure and I was a broken sinful woman.

I went from a size 8 to a size 20 in a year. By the time I realized he was a master lier and manupulator, we had been married a year and I was loosing my will to live.

Things got worse before they got better and after spending two weeks in intensive care and another 2weeks in mental health ward. I left my husband with absolutely nothing. My parents had to buy me clothing because the hospital cut what I was wearing off in order to treat me. My pre-nump said I leave with nothing and that’s what I had.

Divorced bound, broken, jobless, penniless. My new goal was to re-invent myself. Get a job, find a place to live. Become stable.

I went to visit a man I met in the mental hospital. He promised to pay my way home if I drove to him. He lived two states away. We were kissing and fulling around. Then he kept going, didn’t notice me crying or saying stop.

I don’t think it qualifies as rape because he had no idea I was planning on going on the way. He later told me he thought I was being excited playful. I tried to leave that night, if I hadn’t been broke and my gas tank wasn’t empty I would have been gone.

I got a job there and soon was supporting him. He has issues but he was fun and I got to be the adult. Then I realized I was pregnant.

I went home to mom’s got a job. Had a perfect baby boy. I had great plans of how to be a mother. I started Collins, I majoring in Criminal Justice. My new plan was to raise my son, earn a degree and become a parole officer.

College was awesome. I excelled honor roll everytime. I was president of Phi Theta Kappa and had an awesome internship at a probation office. I volunteered as house mother. I couldn’t wait to graduate and get a real job.

I graduated but my credit was so bad I never got a job. Instead I took a job managing a thrift store. Shortly after graduation, my son began to have issues debilitating depression, uncontrollable anger. A list of diagnosis, asked to leave school. My life was in constant flux, trying to stabilize him became a full time job.

I was not the world’s best mom and my career as a parole officer was not happening. Now I have 3 degrees, a failed degree and am working minimum wage.

Now I’m out of work with a busted back. Everytime I think I’m getting better, something happens and I get worse. I can’t make plans for next week. When it gets better am I going to be able to go back to the same job. I don’t know and trying to plan is killing me.

God said don’t worry. God says He had a plan for my life God says He’s refining me until I can fulfill His plan for me. It must be big because He keeps polishing me… or maybe I’m just a slow learner.

So I pray a lot and tell God I’m ready for Him to use me as I see fit. I’ve stopped making 5yr plans. Trying to learn to go with the flow. I fully believe God has a plan for me but I don’t trying to force it.

My favorite saying “make plans and God laughs”…..So no I don’t have a five year plan and I don’t plan on making one any time soon. I’m living each day for God trusting Him to lead me in the right direction.

Sincerely with

Humility Grace Mercy

Acts 5:38-39 NASB
[38] So in the present case, I say to you, stay away from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or action is of men, it will be overthrown; [39] but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them; or else you may even be found fighting against God.”IMG_0632

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