IMG_1262Since I was 4years old I wanted to be a pastor. I told everyone. Some kids play school, I played church and I was always the pastor.  I gave sermons on God’s love to all my friends.  I played church with friends, with dolls, with my pets. I repeated all the wonderful stories I learned in Sunday school. As I got older the passion grew.  I read the Bible, I listen to my Sunday school teachers, I learned about other religions and different denominations.  I never faltered, I had a purpose in my life.  I loved God and wanted to serve Him with my life.

When I was 13 my family had been attending a small Bible Church for about 5yrs. There were about 40 or so members and we met in a school, there were home groups and once a month the pastor had a potluck at his home. Before church there was Bible school, individual classes for infants up to adult. The middle and high school groups would join the adults in the sanctuary for service, while elementary and younger went to Celebrate (what thier age appropriate service was called).

I enjoyed church, everyone knew me and my desire to lead my own congregation one day.  I was proud of my desire and I told anyone who would listen.  I would always get the same response, ‘you must have a heart for God.’

One, Sunday there was a special guest speaker. Advertised as a can’t miss sermon, a leader in his field, brought in to preach on a topic of vital importance and relevance. I don’t remember his name or anything about this expert, except what he preached on that day.

The church leaders brought this man in to preach about the sin of women in leadership roles in the church. He said “Only a woman with a corrupt and evil heart would desire to preach in a church.” He spoke for a long time about the evils of women shepherding men and the break down of God’s church and will when a woman lead the body of Christ. He quoted scripture after scripture damning such women to hell.

The pages of my Teen Bible were transparent with the tears running down my face. Then my pastor got up to close the sermon, I expected him to rebuke this visitor. Instead he said “Thank you for your beautiful sermon. Such an important message that some of our congregation needed to hear, in a way I could never say it.” They brought in a guest pastor to rebuke me. I was devastated.

I doubted everything. I felt rejected by God. Was it true? Did God reject me because I was a women? Did my church really just pacify my desire to be a pastor while they all believed it was a sinful longing? Did my church lie to me believe my heart to be evil?

.I asked my dad he said for me to pray about it and read the Bible and decide for myself. He didn’t say it but I knew he believed the guest speaker. I grew angry with God. My parents changed churches because I couldn’t go without crying.

It was hard for many years. I believed whole heartedly in the love of God and everything the Bible says. But I was so angry and I was angry at God because I felt rejected by God. I lost my purpose. I didn’t know who I was, I wanted to be a good Christian but there was a pain that interfered. I was lost and didn’t know what I was looking for. I was angry and couldn’t forgive. I couldn’t forgive myself, I couldn’t forgive my church, and I couldn’t forgive God.

This anger and resentment towards God wreaked havoc in my life. I wasn’t leaning on Him. I was rejecting His advice for my life. I was 21, going through a divorce and pregnant with an other man’s child (the father was a 34yr old drug addict), living in a shelter for homeless pregnant women. I’m not going to say that’s rock bottom but it was pretty close.

The thing is during my emotional revolt from God, I never stopped saying I was a Christian. I did many unchristian things, I told my sister I didn’t want her coming to my youth group because I thought her being there would ruin my fun. It bad when a church rejects you, how about your sister rejecting you from church? I never stopped claiming to be a Christian, some of my behavior was Christ like and some definitely wasn’t.

While I was pregnant, I realized God loves me and loves my unborn child.  I realized God didn’t reject me, but I rejected God.  I began to forgive God, it was a slow process in my heart but as soon as it started God opened his arms and accepted me back 100%.  God never stopped loving me, never turned His back on me. God still has an amazing purpose for my life and as soon as I was ready took me back without question.

Life wasn’t perfect and rosy from that point on.  Sometimes I try to take the wheel back from God. Sometimes I ignore God’s will and follow fleshly desires, then I have to deal with the consequences.  I still live in a fallen world where the devil reigns.  I still had a lot of issues to work out in my heart.  It doesn’t matter what I’m a child of God and he will always forgive me.

If I am letting Jesus be Lord and Savior of my life, my sections are better. No matter how bumpy, as long as I let God guide me the road was manageable. As long as I lean on God I never feel alone.  No matter how big the obstacles, I can overcome because my God is bigger.

My point is we don’t know the hearts of people. We don’t know what got them to the point they are in or where they are in thier walk with God. I know God is always thier waiting for us and loving us. Despite my feelings God never rejected me, He has a plan for me, I’m still waiting to see how that unfolds but I can always t rust God. Humans will disapoint God never will.

Sincerely with,

Humility Grace Mercy

Verses and words from God that help me:

1. I can use evil things that happen to you to accomplish good things. Genesis 50:20
2. I will cause your life to draw others to Christ. Matthew 4:19
3. While you depend on Me, I get things done for you. Exodus 14:14
4. You can have My comfort and be satisfied. Matthew 5.4-6
5. I will never lie to you. I’ll make good what I say! Numbers 23:19
6. I When you’re merciful – you’ll enjoy My mercy. Matthew 5:7
7. Trust Me. I keep my word. Forever. Deuteronomy 7:9
8. I have a reward for you in Heaven because you endured hard times here. Matthew 5:11-12
9. When you soak yourself in My Word, you’ll have success. Joshua 1:8
10. Put Me first – I will give you all your need. Matthew 6:33
11. You can be fearless in any situation because I’m with you. Joshua 1:9
12. I want to give you good things. Matthew 7:9-11
13. Every promise you find in My word will happen. Joshua 21:45
14. Do My will and you’ll go to heaven. Matthew 7:21
15. Share my love with others – I’ll reward you! Matthew Matthew10:42
16. Give me your burdens and you’ll receive My rest. Matthew 11:28-30
I am a . Nothing I plan to accomplish in your life can be stopped. Job 42:2

18. I, the SON OF MAN will return when you see massive sudden changes in the sun, moon, stars and seas. Luke 21:25-27

19. I reward My children who love My word with seasons of fruitfulness and victorious endeavors. Psalms 1:2-3

20. You will be in paradise the moment you die. Luke 23:43
21. You can sleep soundly because I’m watching over you. Psalms 4:8

22. I make you My child when you receive and believe in Jesus. John 1:12

23. I will protect you when you’re under attack. Psalms 9:9

24. Believe in Jesus and you will not go to hell. John 3:16

25. You can trust My Word. It’s proven itself true in the hardest of times. Psalms 12:6

26. Believe in Jesus and you HAVE eternal life. John 3:36

27. Decision to make? I’ll lead you in the right direction. We’ll have great fellowship as you talk it over with Me. Psalms 16:11

28. Listen to Me – believe in Me and you will move from death to eternal life – never to come into judgement. John 5:24

29. I will lose none of all My believers. John 6:39

30. Follow Me – My truth, and you will be free. John 8:31-32

31. I will give you, My follower, more and a better life than you have ever known. John 10:10

32. If you are My sheep you are assured of heaven. No one – nothing can take you away – ever! John 10